What is "Girl in Trouble?"
If hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like you to have, you're in the right place.
I have been having trouble trying to write fully formed pieces for this substack lately because I have not been wanting to write at all. Not on here, not academically, not even in my self-indulgent little journal (aka, a diary). I feel an immense pressure to write something perfect, something linear and cohesive and purposeful. I have many ideas but then I struggle getting them on to the page. I think to myself, “What is the purpose of this? Who is going to benefit from reading this?” I want my essays to be somewhat informative, and not feel like I am babbling on about something that doesn’t really matter to anyone other than myself.
I finally had to write something for my flash fiction / flash nonfiction writing class this week. I ended up writing a short fictional story about girl (who admittingly, is myself). I go into writing assignments without a clear or intended vision of what is going to come out. I write what I feel and then make it pretty and cohesive, developing the piece around my eventual idea. Of course, I end up writing a story about a girl who is both running away from something and being held captive to it. A girl who is afraid of her flaws, but also indulging in her self-destructiveness. It occurred to me that while this blog is called Girl in Trouble, I never clarified what that means or where the name came from. And I think that is why I have had issues publishing essays on here, I don’t have a clear focus. I want to write about my life and art. About the books I read, the TV shows I watch, my views and outlook on the world and my unnecessary opinions about everything. I want to write both personal and informative pieces. The only muses that I feel passionate writing about all have one thing in common, they frequently are about or can be relatable to girls like me, girls who often self-destruct, and find themselves in trouble.
Think about the Marissa Coopers of the world, who are ridiculously out of touch but can’t get a grip on things. Who know what the right choice is but can’t find themselves choosing it. The Lana Del Rey’s, the Fiona Apples who are angry and feel too much. The Chiara and Ludovica’s of the world who cheapen themselves because just having the price tag makes them feel something. It’s about being a bad, bad girl, careless with your delicate man, as Fiona Apple would put it.
The women and girls in this world who both find themselves in agony over their issues, finding themselves in chaos and wanting to run from it, but are also looking for trouble. Looking for intrigue and mischief, a good story to tell and turn into art. Girls who are both haunted by themselves and do the haunting. Girls like Tracy from the movie thirteen, who want to shed their innocence but regret it when they do. Who look at girls like Evie and wish to be them but are surprised with hatred when they become them.
That is a girl in trouble.
A girl who is both terrified of herself and the wrong paths she goes down but can’t stop herself from going down it. Because she loves the horror, the sullenness, she loves to feel too much. The Carrie Bradshaws of the world who hate their entanglement with Mr. Big but can’t stop themselves from riding the dangerous ride. The Olivia Rodrigo’s who are willing accomplices to their own murders. To the girls who both love and hate the thrill, this space is for both you and I to take up.
“And I’d leave you but the rollercoaster’s all I’ve ever had.”
I have a love-hate relationship with myself and my brain, which causes both external and internal chaos in my life and within myself. I find myself constantly lost, but I never stop looking for ways to spiral. In a way, the trouble I cause for myself is all I have ever had. And I do not want to brace myself for that goodbye, not yet.
If you want to read the short story I wrote for school that inspired all of this, please stay tuned! I have slowly been making my way through Fiona Apple’s discography, so keep your eyes out for my post about her!